Kakashi Hatake-Relationship Counselor
by Historiarum Scriptor
Summary: Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke are having relationship troubles. Kakashi wants to let his ninken piss on Hiruzen Sarutobi's grave. Somewhere in heaven, Obito is laughing. Oneshot post-war.


The sun shone brightly down on the trees of Konoha. Birds sang, civilians chatted in the streets, and shinobi leapt from rooftop to rooftop calling out greetings to their comrades. In training ground 7, the Hokage, Hatake Kakashi, stared in complete and utter disbelief at his three students sitting cross-legged in front of him. He was too fucking tired for this shit. Honestly, screw Hiruzen for making him a jounin sensei.

"Okay, so let me get this straight," he began, "Naruto likes Sakura, who as we all know is in love with Sasuke, who in turn has a hard on for our favorite little Uzumaki. Right?'

The pink and black brats nodded at this while Naruto squawked in protest at being called little. "That's right, sensei. We just can't decide on what to do."

"So, you came to me with this? Why?"

"Well," chirped Sakura, "You are our sensei."

"Yeah! Yeah! And you're, like, super smart!"

"Hn. Besides, you're also the village leader. Its your job to look after your subordinates."

Kakashi sighed and ran a hand through his silver hair while giving his brats his best glare. Unfortunately, it appeared that they had developed an immunity judging by the bright smiles (or smirk in the Uchiha's case). He really did miss the days when they were cute little genin, easily riled up and just as easily cowed into submission. Now they were little fucking _monsters_, who apparently decided that it was their mission to make his hair grey. Er, greyer.

"What should we do, sensei?" Kakashi was pulled out of his thoughts by Sakura's impatience.

"Well…" He drawled. "Maybe you could try seeing other people. Plenty of fish in the sea and all that. Now if we're done here, I have paperwork…" Well, more like he had a new issue of Icha Icha to read. Kami bless the man (or woman) who had decided to continue Jiraiya's sacred work. But before he could disappear, Kakashi was once again pulled out of his musings by an annoying student.

"But Kaka-sensei!" Naruto whined. "We've already tried that."

"Hmm, really?" Naruto nodded, and Kakashi pointed to him. "Okay then, who have you been seeing, Naru-chan?" He knew that he should probably cut his losses, but he couldn't help his curiosity. Besides, he was (not that he'd ever admit it) an insatiable gossip.

"Um, well I had a thing going with Ayame-nee-san for a while, but apparently calling her my 'sister' freaked her out. I also, er, _comforted _Tenten after Neji's death, but when I gave her a kiss on the cheek, she threatened to cut off my balls. I decided that I couldn't stay in a stable relationship like that where my boys were at risk." Kakashi nodded at that. Completely understandable really. The kid had become an excellent shinobi, emotionally manipulating a woman like that was ingenious. On the other hand, when did Naruto become the most morally fucked up person on this team?

"After that I tried dating Hinata but, well, she kinda sorta had a shrine of me in her room. And a sex doll with my face on it under the bed, which was flattering but creepy. Plus, she fainted midway through the final act which was a real turn off." Wow. He honestly didn't know whether he was impressed or horrified that Naruto had still tried having sex after seeing the girls crazy in all its horrifying glory.

"Oh, and there was Anko-sama."

Kakashi froze. "You… had sex… with Anko?" The blond nodded, and the silver-haired man really couldn't help his morbid curiosity. "How was it?

Naruto's gaze grew distant. "It was terrifying. Amazing, but terrifying."

The sensei nodded his head before his mind moved back a little bit in their conversation. "Wait, did you call her Anko-sama?" Naruto opened his mouth, but Kakashi cut him off with a frantic wave of his hand. "Never mind. I don't want to know." Even he wasn't that curious. He turned his gaze to the kunoichi of their little band of misfits. "Sakura, go."

"Oh, ok. I tried to date Kiba, which was just… eww. He wouldn't even sleep with me unless Akamaru was in the room. When he tried to get the mutt to join in, I decided to cut my losses." Kakashi could commiserate. Inuzaka were… difficult to be in a relationship with. According to them, bestiality wasn't really a big deal.

"I also had a thing with Shiranui Genma. He was nice, cute, and… mature, but I got the sense that he wasn't really looking for a commitment, you know?" Kakashi did know. His ANBU teammate was well known for his womanizing ways. Speaking of which, it looked like he was going to have to talk to Genma about seducing _his _childr-er-students. His students.

Sakura mumbled one last thing under her breath that not even Kakashi's fine-tuned hearing could pick up. "What was that, Pinky? Speak up."

The girl's face was completely red as she glared up at her sensei. "And… I did… _it_ with Anko-sama as well."

Kakashi stared at her. "But I thought you were, you know…"

"Straight?" Sakura snorted. "She didn't give me much of a choice, sensei."

And _now _Kakashi had to have a discussion with Anko about partners who were actually willing. Great. Although, judging by the distant smile and faint blush, Sakura hadn't really minded.

The man shook his head as he turned to his little Uchiha. Hopefully this one would at least have some sort of normal socia-

"I invited Rock Lee to a… _challenge_."

Kakashi blinked. Then blinked again. "Nope. Not getting that image out of my head. Ever." He turned away from Sasuke, too disgusted to look at his _fucking Uchiha smirk_!

"Hn."

"So, what do we do, sensei?"

Their sensei glared at the pink one. "You're all adults now, aren't you? Why can't you figure this out yourselves? I'm not your goddamn relationship counselor." He turned to Naruto. "And aren't you going to be Hokage soon enough? Solving this will be good practice for you, right?"

The blond just laughed brightly. "But you're so smart, Kaka-sensei!"

Sakura nodded along. "Yeah! Besides, you're still are sensei, which means you have to help us!"

"Hn. As Hokage, it is your duty."

Kakashi pinched his nose between his thumb and forefinger, biting down his retort about _being the leader of a militarized shinobi village, not a fucking therapist!_ He tried to breath in deeply and compartmentalize all the various emotions that this conversation had brought up. He'd done it before. Pushing down soul-crushing grief and guilt and… nope. He could handle those just fine, but this shit? And now he couldn't get the mental image of Sasuke slowly helping Lee out of that _tight green bodysuit and…_ "Nope!"

Kakashi exploded. "Nope. Nope. No fuckity nope. Why don't you little monsters all just go and fuck each other then if its so damn hard to find other people, huh? Ever thought of doing that?"

The man panted after his short but heartfelt rant, feeling as if he'd just run to Iwa and back in record time.

"Ne, ne, that's a great idea Kaka-sensei! You're a genius, dattebayo!"

"Wow, how come we haven't thought of that?"

"Hn. It does seem like the simplest solution."

Kakashi watched as his three students ambled away, stumbling over each other like a pack of overgrown puppies and arguing about where they would go to eat for their first 'date' (Naruto wants to go to Ichiraku's of course) and talking about whose house they would spend the night at afterwards. Their sensei remained frozen, staring at their slowly diminishing profiles while he tried to wrap his brain around what he had just witnessed.

He remained that way for a minute.

Then for two.

Then ten.

Finally, he broke out into hysterical laughter that quickly turned into tears. Between his sobs, he managed to get out, "Fuck… you… Hiruzen."


End file.
